Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.