[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this