My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell