me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”