Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Just me?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
kids play hide and seek like
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Woke up against my better judgment again
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*