Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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(2022)
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”