interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
You Might Also Like
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I drew y’all a little something.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch