Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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who wore it better?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.