I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes