Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
gm
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
me when the borders lift
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.