me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.