There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.