Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong