Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
#oldknees
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter