“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
A roof is a house hat.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*