I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Sharon, call the vet
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.