My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit