I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.