Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?