🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer