kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Did I do this right
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.