If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
nature’s most graceful animal
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.