Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I missed you with all my darts
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
2022: I can fix it
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me