Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men