[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.