Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep