Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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Denise please return my vape pen
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Yup
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.