*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
just having fun
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.