Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!