peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
That was easy.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.