[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Midwest trash talk
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Merry Christmas
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?