Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me