ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I like crazy people until they notice me
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The cashier just checked me out.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do