Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed