Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Battery falling down a hole
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.