imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!