[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.