One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn