Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!