Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp