ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Happy birthday to all the women
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*serious situation*
My brain:
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles