I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
some things should go without saying
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
And that about sums it up.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales