My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Lol
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
is this meant to deter me
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant