ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”