Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️