That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
there has never been a better use of this meme
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.