I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.