I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
wishing you and yours all the best
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.