Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
sry
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
BETRAYAL
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.