Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
You Might Also Like
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours